A slight change of plan

After a great chemo-free Christmas and New Year, Ben got away for a few days snowboarding in Austria (under strict instructions to not push himself or do anything silly). The fresh air, exercise, and fun of doing one of the things he loves best did my boy the world of good and he came back smiling and with his (side-effect) acne greatly reduced.

So then Ben and I were gearing up for his liver surgery which was supposed to happen in mid-January. But at his next consultation, the liver surgeon said he wanted to do another scan, just to be sure. The scan revealed the lesions had shrunk so much due to the chemo that it just wasn't going to be worth operating. So great news is that Ben doesn't need surgery! Of course this threw us at first - being told one thing, then another under these circumstances doesn't make anything easier, but it's wonderful that he doesn't have to go through the trauma of surgery again. And it's clear that the cocktail of drugs Ben is on is working, which is also great.

So, while we still have a few questions about what it all means for future eradication of all cancer cells, we're happy, and now making social plans for the next 6 weeks!

Ben will be starting the next round of chemo next week. This will be another 3-month stint. We're better prepared this time - he's getting a 'portocath' (presumably a portable catheter) put in under the skin on his chest so the IV chemo drugs can be plugged straight into there rather than into his arm veins which have been suffering a bit.

Thanks to everyone who made enquiries after Ben's (and my) health... sorry I've not had much of an online presence lately... it was just an overhead I couldn't deal with while we sorted out what was happening with treatments, and work/leave arrangements and everything else. Needless to say your ongoing support and love is helping us along enormously, as always :)

What the 2008/9 festive season has been for me

- a Legofest - hours upon hours of making and sorting Lego both new and old with incredibly satisfying results
- subjecting our baby nieces to wearing pink reindeer headbands with bells on them
- a chemo-free Benjy!
- lots of yummy food and good wine, courtesy mainly of Ben's parents
- watching a bizarre and wonderful circus/cabaret show called La Clique (highly recommended)
- learning how to do my eye make-up a bit more daringly and creatively
- wearing my 'Burlesque' dress for the first time
- watching a woman light up a flaming g-string and nipple covers as part of the New Year countdown
- an impromptu gig by moi (see last post)
- hearing 'Chicken Payback' in a club venue and bending some funky grooves with The Turner
- scoffing all the chocolates I got given within 3 days of receiving them
- getting Volume 1 of Absolute Sandman (YAY!!!!) - thanks Benjy!
- getting the ultimate Kath & Kim DVD Boxset in a rooly nice and unusual quilted white handbag case (YAY!!!) - thanks Mum & Dad!!
- knowing with absolute certainty that 2009 is going to be an amazing year!

Happy New Year everyone! xx

A surprise gig

Merry Christmas :)

It's a bit of a tradition that Ben and I catch up for dinner with the Reading crowd sometime between Christmas and New Year. (By Reading crowd I mean people Ben went to college - aka senior high school - with.) As it happened we had a very nice dinner on Boxing Day at a place called The Jazz Cafe in Reading. The place was empty so we had the small restaurant room to ourselves. Best of all, they had a jazz pianist playing, so in effect we had our own private pianist. He was excellent, and played lots of numbers we enjoyed bopping along to in our seats. I must have bopped pretty enthusiastically, because Ebru started demanding that I get up and sing a song. To be honest, I really wanted to - it was a brilliant opportunity to sing informally in front of people I knew, so I didn't need much persuading.

I got up and sang 'All I want for Christmas is you' - the Mariah Carey version, slightly adapted for people like me whose voices don't span four octaves.

It was great, I got a huge round of applause and lots of compliments and felt really good. So good I wanted to get up and do it again. So I did. This time I sang 'Nobody does it better' (Carly Simon). I sat down again, but it wasn't long till everyone had me up singing a bunch of songs. It had been so long since I'd done that that I couldn't think of any songs to sing! I ended up doing 'Cheek to Cheek', 'Let's stay together', 'Blue Moon', 'I only want to be with you', 'These arms of mine' and probably a couple more I can't remember. A veritable set list!

It was a really wonderful experience, everyone was really pleased I'd done it and kept giving me compliments. I guess I feel a little rusty and my confidence has suffered for it but this little surprise gig has really inspired me to learn more jazz tunes and revive and revamp my songlist. I even exchanged cards with the pianist... who knows, I might even gig professionally with him one day! My dream is to have a regular gig in a jazz bar, say one night a week, so this really was a taste of a dream come true... Thanks to the powers that be!!

Me and my legwarmers

My colleague Claire finds it hilarious that I wear legwarmers when I walk to work. It's friggin' cold, that's why!!

Anyway when she saw me she started singing the theme tune from 'Fame' and demanded I do a high kick for the camera. So here it is. Effortful expression and all. Plus a close-up of said legwarmers.

Ah, I love the work wind-down to Christmas :)

Feeling royally shitful

(Warning: moan alert)
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, stomacheache, nausea and dehydration and thought I may have food poisoning. This is on top of taking all of last week off for a throat virus, which also sapped me of my strength for half a week a fortnight ago, and for an entire weekend a fortnight before that.

I am really over being ill! Can't I have a break from it, please? :(

A really lovely album

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Weird mainly because I've been ill and taken a week off work. When that happens it throws your sense of timing and reality off as your whole routine is put on hold. And being thrown like that when Christmas is approaching is really weird as you lose touch with the outside world's excitement building up. One day everything's normal, a week later you leave the flat and there are decorations everywhere, in people's windows, on buses etc. Not that I mind of course... it's lovely :)

But in the midst of all this strangeness, I have been listening to a gorgeous album over and over again. It's called "Neptune City" by Nicole Atkins, who Ben randomly found on MySpace a couple of years ago. We've been entranced ever since.

Neptune City is dreamy and lovely and magical. My fave song is "Maybe Tonight", the first track. It really sums up how I'm feeling at the moment... that mystical wonderful things can happen and are happening. Love and Fate and mystery. Love it. Thanks Nicole, you're a gem!

Re-thinking the whole food thing

Back in September I walked into a Chinese herbalist centre hoping to get some acupuncture for some back pain I'd been experiencing, and walked out with a series of acupuncture/massage sessions and a bunch of detox herbs and pills. Not quite what I'd been after. I knew my head wasn't where it should be (this was around the time of Ben's surgery) but I went along with it, let myself get caught up in the tide of seemingly random actions on my part.

The herbalist basically said my liver, digestion, circulation, immune system and "ladyworks" weren't working as they should be. So I started a detox - no alcohol, limited caffeine (1, not my usual 2 coffees a day), no sweets, crisps, chips, roast nuts (!), citrus fruit/juices, deep fried foods, and a limit of red meat/dairy 3-4 times a week. I also took loads of pills and bitter herbal teas that stunk the flat out. I started it ok, but then our trip to Portugal put a dent in my resolve. It was silly to expect to do a detox on holiday, so I put it on hold, and really focused when we got back. It was 4 weeks of serious detoxing in October!

It was kind of funny - both Ben and I were on pill regimes (very different ones, mind you!) but it made me feel like we were doing something in his treatment together, which was nice.

I lasted 4 weeks, not the full 5 I'd paid for (hey, I have a week in reserve, whenever I want it). And I really noticed the difference - in my skin, my period, and my liver (unfortunately the only way I know my liver has detoxed is when I drink loads without my body objecting to the alcohol - nice). And I was generally a lot calmer, less agitated, less prone to stress. It was great.

Once I was off the detox of course I had to sample everything I'd been denying myself (and I mean, EVERYTHING!) but after I got over the deprivation reaction, I went back to fairly normal, healthy eating.

I have since started reading a book called 'Everything you need to know to help you beat cancer' by Chris Woollams. Ben had bought it and started reading it, and we're now both somewhere in the middle of it. The author's daughter had a brain tumour, and he did loads of research into what causes cancer. In the book he has managed to pull a large number of information sources together in an easy-to-read format. It's an excellent book, and a must-read for anyone with cancer, but also anyone who wants to lower their chances of getting cancer.

I'm mentioning this book in relation to my detox, because basically, the book advocates eating in a manner that more or less matches what I did on my detox. I feel that it's no coincidence that I did a 'random' detox and then started reading this book.

I know, and most people know, that eating healthier means a healthier body, but when you're forced to *really* think about it, *really* think about the levels of toxins in your body, and how they can create conditions for cancer... and when you have a boyfriend who is battling the damn thing... well, it makes you stop in your tracks and wonder what the hell you're doing.

(Don't get me wrong: I'm by no means saying that Ben caused his own cancer through a poor diet - especially because in the last year or so his diet has been formidably healthy - but a less than healthy diet and over-indulgence in booze in earlier years *may* have contributed to his current situation, among a whole host of other factors.)

So, I've started to really think about what we're putting in our bodies. Mainly food and drink, but also toiletries. I am now paying more attention to ingredients on packaging. I am working my way up to a different approach to food. I'm even considering giving up coffee, which is going to be difficult... my morning latte has been such a constant in my life for so long!

And I really need to lose weight. The last two years or so has seen me put on a LOT of weight, and I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my life. This is very unhealthy, especially for a person with such a small frame. Being overweight massively increases my chances of getting cancer, and dying earlier. Not good.

So... healthy eating. Organic food. No prepared foods. Limited dairy. Less red meat, more oily fish. Several smaller meals a day. No caffeine or aspartame. Limited sugars, and natural ones wherever possible. Supplements (which ones? I haven't worked that out yet, there are so many to choose from!) Green tea. No added salt (arghh, but I'm Greek!). Filtered water. Limited or no (?!) alcohol. Multiple servings of vegetables and fruit every day. And so on and so forth.

It's not like we've been eating in an unhealthy manner, it's just that we can (and should) take it to the next level if we're to put up a decent fight against this disease that's intruded so rudely into our lives. And we will. We intend to beat the fucker.